Musketeer Madness
by jayel7
Summary: This is a satire prompted by dissatisfaction with the direction in which Season Two has gone. As is the case with satire, it is an exaggeration. Disclaimer: No copyright infringement intended.


Musketeer Madness

It was the middle of the afternoon when Athos, Aramis and Porthos entered their favorite tavern. Even though the place was virtually empty, each of them sat down at a different table and ordered bread, wine and cheese. Shortly thereafter, D'Artagnan entered and looked at them with a puzzled expression. "Why aren't you sitting together," he asked.

"Because we're The Inseparables," Aramis answered.

"That means we try to stay away from each other as much as possible," Porthos continued.

D'Artagnan looked even more puzzled. "That's crazy."

"It was explained to us that just because we are The Inseparables, that was no reason for us to be spending much time together," Aramis replied.

D'Artagnan still didn't understand. "But—"

"Don't worry your pretty little head about it," Athos added. "You'll have to sit at a separate table, too, if you want to be considered one of The Inseparables."

D'Artagnan sat down at a nearby table, just as Aramis stood up and pointed at the tavern window. "Look at that!"

"Is it my long-lost father," Porthos asked, getting excited.

"Of course not."

They all looked, but saw nothing out of the ordinary. Porthos said, "I don't see nothin'."

Aramis enthusiastically waved his arm. "It's a nanny with a baby. Look! There's another one … with twins!

Athos looked disgusted. "Sit your derriere down, Aramis. You're acting like a fool."

Aramis watched until the nannies and their charges were out of sight before he reluctantly sat back down. He reached for a slice of cheese. "I never should have been a musketeer. I made the wrong darn career choice."

"You mean you wished you'd become a priest," asked Porthos.

"No. I wish I had become a nanny."

D'Artagnan raised an eyebrow. "Men don't become nannies."

"I could've been the first male nanny." He sighed heavily. "It's just not right. Nannies get to change dirty diapers, have babies spit up on them and rock crying babies who have colic." His tone was resentful. "Nannies have all the fun."

"Heck, Aramis, you're a hopeless case," said Porthos.

"Porthos is right, darn it," said Athos.

"At least, I'll get to see the dauphin today," Aramis said, looking more cheerful. "The queen has asked me to stop by the palace this afternoon. There's something she wants to tell me."

"I hope she's not going to tell you that she's in a delicate condition again," Athos muttered, taking a big gulp of wine.

"I have a meeting this afternoon with Constance," D'Artagnan put in. "Bonacieux is out of town, and we're going to meet at her house."

"So you're going to have a chance to sleep with her today," Athos said.

"Possibly, but I want to have sex with her, too."

"That's so sweet," said Athos, dabbing a sentimental tear from his eye.

I'd like to write some poetry about you and Madame Bonacieux," said Porthos. He wrinkled his brow. "Now let me see. What rhymes with hussy?"

Aramis voiced his approval. "There's nothing quite as romantic as adultery."

"I wouldn't know," D'Artagnan admitted. "I've never been with a woman who wasn't married."

"I haven't been with a woman, married or unmarried, in so long that I'm not sure I remember how to do it anymore," Athos said gloomily. He shoved his wine glass aside and emptied the remainder of his wine bottle in one swallow.

D'Artagnan opened the unlocked front door of the Bonacieux house and went upstairs to his former bedroom to wait for Constance to arrive. In a few minutes, he heard the front door open and the sound of light footsteps on the stairs. Hurriedly, he removed his shirt and shoes and stood waiting for her. Constance entered the room and they rushed into each other's arms. "I thought you'd never get here," D'Artagnan said, breathing heavily. "I've got the hots for you and I'm naked and ready to ... you know."

Constance looked at him. "Uh, D'Artagnan, you're not naked. You still have your pants on."

"In the musketeer code, that's considered naked. It's also in the code that musketeers are supposed to be shy and modest." He blushed. "I'll unbutton my breeches if you'll close your eyes and promise not to peek."

Constance fondly stroked his cheek. "D'Artagnan, you have such an adorable face and the cutest behind in Paris, but you are a dolt, I'll have to say. Tell me, what else is in this musketeer code of yours?"

He thought for a moment. "Well, we must preserve our honor. That means that we can kill as many people as we want, provided that it isn't the royal family. We're tough, hardened soldiers and trained to kill, but that doesn't mean that we won't be in big trouble if we say naughty words."

"That's … interesting, but remarkably stupid." She took his hand. "Come and sit down with me, D'Artagnan, so that we can discuss our future together." They sat down and Constance turned to face him. "I want to be with you always."

"Even if it means betraying your husband?"

"What does he matter? Wedding vows are made to be broken."

"They are?"

"Yes, my sweet."

"You're willing to leave your husband to come and live with me?"

"I'm willing to give up everything for your hot body."

They shared a passionate kiss.

"We're going to have to make plans for our future," D'Artagnan said.

"Yes." Constance smiled dreamily at him.

D'Artagnan was thoughtful. "After everyone finds out that you're a trollop, the queen won't want you to remain in her employ. Respectable women will throw rotten cabbages at you in the marketplace, but if you catch one of them, we can have cabbage soup to go along with our cheap, brown bread. Musketeers don't make much money, but I promise I'll find us a room in one of the nicer Paris slums. All of the slums have rats, but I can kill some of them with my sword. The rest you'll have to ignore. You'll have to sell all your fancy clothes for living expenses, but you'll still look beautiful to me, no matter how ragged you are."

Constance's smile faded. "Um, D'Artagnan, let's not be too hasty. I think it may be best if we continue as we are for now. We can still sneak around and do the dirty as the opportunity presents itself."

D'Artagnan considered the matter, and then smiled. "Our love is so pure, so sweet. That'll work."

At the palace, Aramis was received by the queen in her sitting room. After greetings were exchanged, she added, "I had hoped that Constance could be present, but she said something about needing to lie down, or did she say that she needed to get laid? I can't quite remember which. I do so rely upon her advice. To think that she's only a middle-class housewife with a minimal education and of a social class that I wouldn't spit on, and yet she's my closest companion and knows almost everything. That's amazing."

"More like unbelievable, I'd say," Aramis responded, "But enough about her. May I ask why you summoned me here today, Your Majesty? You know that anytime you want me, I'll come."

"How well I remember when you demonstrated that for me." The queen made a moue of disappointment. "Unfortunately, this is neither the time, nor the place."

"Then why _did_ you send for me?" He became panicky. "It's not the dauphin, is it? Oh, dear! Oh, my! He hasn't been kidnapped again, has he? I'll shoot whoever did it and send them straight to heck! If there's anything I can't stand, it's people who kidnap babies or who make mediocre hats."

"Calm down, Aramis. The dauphin is fine," she reassured him. "He and his nanny are both sound asleep in the nursery."

"Whew! That's a relief. Speaking of relief, is there somewhere I could go to wee wee?"

The queen sounded exasperated, "You're not only obsessed with a child. Now you even talk like one. Besides, I didn't think that musketeers ever had to go."

"The musketeer code states that we're supposed to act as if we're not like real men who have to go, so don't tell anybody."

The queen pointed to a door. "Through there, and it's the first door on your left."

Aramis removed his hat and made her a sweeping bow. "I thank you and my bladder thanks you."

"Just go, please."

When Aramis returned, he found the queen pacing back and forth with a serious expression on her face. She stopped and faced him. "Aramis, we need to talk about your behavior in regard to the dauphin. You cannot continue to lurk around the nursery."

Aramis looked stricken. "But I love babies. I'm addicted to babies, especially the dauphin."

"I'm going to tell you something that should cure your addiction to the dauphin."

"You're going to tell me to change his messy diaper?"

"No, but that might do it." She gave a delicate shudder. "What I want to tell you is this. After you took off all of your clothes, except for your breeches, and we made love, the dauphin was born eight months later. He weighed nine pounds at birth. He was not premature. You do realize, don't you, what that means?"

"Oh, dear! It means that the dauphin's birth must have been quite painful."

"It was painful enough to cause me to fling fruit, but that's not the point. The point is that I was in his majesty's bed one month before I was in your bed."

Aramis thought it over. "So you slept with the king a month before you slept with me."

"Yes."

Aramis narrowed his eyes. "Are you trying to tell me that the king is better in bed than I am? Bigger than I am?

"No, you handsome ignoramus! I'm telling you that the dauphin cannot be your child and that there's no reason for you to continue stalking him."

"Oh." Aramis was crestfallen. "If there's no reason for me to hang around the nursery all the time, I'll be lost. I don't know what I'll do with myself."

The queen put a hand on his arm. "One day, Aramis, you'll meet the right woman, and you can get married and have a house full of children."

"I suppose so." He sighed heavily. "But what will I do in the meantime?" He brooded on the matter for a moment, then brightened and snapped his fingers. "I know. I'll get a puppy."

"A puppy? But you and Athos and Porthos already have D'Artagnan."

"True, but another one would be nice." Aramis adjusted his hat. "I'd best be going, Your Majesty."

The queen spoke kindly. "You can stop by the nursery and say good-bye to the dauphin if you like."

Aramis shook his head. "Thanks anyway, but he's nothing to me now, and I have to see about getting a dog." He gave her a wink. "Send me word when the king is busy underneath the dining table again."

End


End file.
